Dear Joy,
I’m not sure where to begin, so I’ll try to get right to the point. My husband and I used to enjoy each other sexually, a lot. It was like the one thing we counted on to get us through some tough times. Last year my Dad died and we both had a pretty drastic drop in our incomes but we managed to stay connected. Now, every thing feels “flat” with me physically with him. We still cuddle most nights, but that’s about it. I don’t know if my lack of interest is affecting him, but whatever the case, I feel more like brother and sister than lovers. What can we do to get our love life back on track?
~ Zero Interest
Dear Zero ~
My condolences on the death of you Dad. Losing a parent can really have unexpected reverberations and Fathers are generally the ones whom we first turned to in terms of understanding “how the world works.” Over here, it sounds like you and your hubby’s world experienced a lot of loss this last year with situations that have confronted your sense of selfhood and security.
We humans are so tender and yet so persevering. We all have unconscious ways that we prefer to process what we perceive as “pain.” It sounds like both you (and possibly your husband) have a good chunk of your life energy occupied in being with all that’s occurred yet haven’t felt it all the way through yet. It may be that you are both colluding in keeping your vitality dampened as a subconscious way of protecting yourself from some painful thoughts/feelings.
Death and loss can bring up deep issues that if kept in check, can take a toll on a relationship. Ironically, in trying to protect ourselves (or our partner) from hearing our most primal fears, our primal sexual energy is also affected. My experience is that when I have not fully expressed myself around a particular emotion (whether it be sadness or fear or anger), my energy tends to flatline.
I would love to discuss options with you in person as to how to move some of this energy you are holding. One thing I can tell you for certain is that getting out of your routine is key. I guarantee there is some way you are anesthetizing yourself. If you tend to be more subdued (my guess for you) then finding ways to express OUT are key: Physical activity, being in Nature, praying, singing, etc. If you tend to energetically distract yourself (i.e., doing, doing, doing), then taking time to go IN for deep stillness can assist you in touching the deeper parts of your self.
Once you and your husband have found a way to get current and share your deepest selves with each other, then your deepest longings, including sexual, will also reemerge.
Blessings,
Joy ♥
