“The first people had questions, and they were free.
The second people had answers, and they became enslaved.”
~ Ancient Earth Wisdom
Questions, I have questions. Or at least my mind does. Like a precocious two-year old, it never seems to tire of asking “Why?” Mostly I consider this a sign of healthy curiosity. I have always been a Hungry Learner, seeking to understand the world. What does not feel very healthy however, is my mind’s compulsion to identify, label and draw conclusions based on limited information. In other words, questions are not the problem as much as my mind’s addiction to having “the answer.”
I spent a good deal of my twenties and thirties searching for antidotes to my educated mind. I stopped reading and began meditating. I immersed myself in the esoteric realms and began to explore working with energy. I excavated my emotional body, unearthing the deep doubt, grief and anger that proved the invisible backdrop for my deeply conditioned Know-It-All persona. I went on vision quests and began opening up to the vastness of the universe, humbly acknowledging how little I truly understood of Life. I learned to pray.
I found myself drawn to indigenous ways that, instead of providing answers, offered awareness practices that enabled personal discovery. It was during this chapter that I had the great fortune of meeting and working with Paula Underwood Spencer (Turtle Woman Singing), whose father’s clan hailed from the Oneida nation of the Iroquois Confederacy. I learned many things in my precious years with her before her spirit left her body. However, the wisdom practice she shared that has influenced me the most (and the scores of folks I’ve since shared it with) is The Rule of Six.
The Rule of Six (Rof6) says that for each apparent phenomenon, devise at least six plausible explanations, every one of which can indeed explain the phenomenon. There are probably 60, but if you devise six, this will sensitize you to the vast array of potential options and prevent you from locking in on the first thing that sounds “right” as The Truth. This attitude supports the mind in discovering new ways of perceiving, keeping our perceptual biases in check while allowing them their say.
I love that I can apply the Rof6 to a wide variety of perplexities. One day it could be “Why are our local hummingbirds choosing not to migrate this year?” The next day might find me anxiously pondering “Why did my sweetheart not say good-bye this morning when he knows I am not feeling well?” Whatever the inquiry, the Rof6 invites me to explore beyond my mind’s knee-jerk reasoning. I find that identifying three possible answers for any phenomenon is fairly easy. It’s stretching into the fourth, fifth and sixth that requires much more lateral thinking!
There is a second phase of the Rof6. After you’ve fully named six possible explanations for whatever phenomenon you are seeking to understand, you then apply your Personal Probability Factor (PPF) to each of your six explanations. This PPF is determined by your own, unique life experience – there is no right answer. Of course, a PPF cannot be either 0% or 100%, because both of these percentages are absolutes. It is not important that your PPF’s add up to 100%, as you are not determining a “winning” thought, but evaluating your beliefs an assessing which of the possibilities strikes you as being the most likely.
In the case of the second scenario, I might apply the Rof6 thus:
“Why did my sweetheart not say good-bye to me this morning when he knows I’m not feeling well?”
1) He’s an inconsiderate jerk (PPF 20%);
2) I’m so pathetic; he’s lost interest in me romantically (PPF 15%);
3) He’s afraid of catching whatever I’ve got (PPF 25%);
4) He was afraid I might ask him for help, which would put him behind schedule (PPF 40%);
5) He assumed I needed to rest and didn’t want to disturb me (PPF 55%);
6) He was running extremely late because he was up most of the night with me (PPF 30%).
By the time I have imagined at least six possible answers to my query, my mind is much more receptive and much less agitated. Remembering to apply this simple practice has broadened my perspective and loosened the grip of both the righteousness and doubt that plagued my early years. Paradoxically, learning to identify many possible reasons for any situation has helped me develop more clarity in my choices, not less. Certainty is overrated if it’s based on faulty reasoning. Being less wedded to my habitual stances and more open to possibilities has been a wisdom path for this recovering Know-It-All.
(This article first appeared in the Jan/Feb 2012 Spirituality & Health Magazine.)
Remember how to unlock each other's hearts again…
There is nothing like the flush of young love. We feel alive, full of innocence and hope, completely open to another’s needs and desires. Our emotions and chemistry are skewed in favor of believing that This Is Someone I Will Treasure Forever.
This is true whether the person is your lover or your child. For most couples, they first have this experience with each other and then fall in love all over again with their children.
Of course, with birth comes an incessant demand on a couple’s physical, material and logistical resources, particularly the mother if she is breastfeeding. After a day of caring for the intimate needs of a young child - crying, crawling, chewing, sucking and wetting on you – is it any wonder that personal downtime is often preferred over even more intimacy?
Luckily, there seems to be a point when children start to develop basic behaviors that have them asserting their autonomy. At that point, parents are finally able to pause, gaze into each other’s eyes and ask some essential questions: Who are you, who am I, and more importantly, who are WE beyond these sacred, sweaty robes of parenthood we’ve been wearing for so many moons?
Despite the stressors, I frequently witness couples expressing a lot of gratitude towards each other when they take time to sincerely acknowledge how much they successfully collaborate. Parents tend to spend a majority of their time focused outward, standing side-by-side a team. Although this side-by-side stance is essential to successful collaborations, adult bonding requires face-to-face intimacy in order to thrive. If a couple desires a relationship beyond parenting, they must be willing to regularly relinquish their parental identities for committed chunks of you-and-me time.
To put it simply, when we get overly identified with any role we play, we have less energy for other roles. Here’s an experiment: Imagine your life like a pie chart that includes all the ways you choose to use your precious, finite energy. Note how big a slice each of the following “roles” gets in your current Life Pie distribution:
• Help Mate
• Provider
• Hard Worker
• Problem-solver
• Mediator
• Nurturer
• “Good” Parent
• Home Creator
• Best Friend
• Healer
• Host/ess
• Scholar/Philosopher
• Playmate
• Muse
• Artist
• Priest/Priestess
• Lover
• Visionary
• World Changer
• Beauty/Vitality Seeker
Now take a few moments to recall the primary roles you identified with in the first months of your relationship. If you have children, chances are that the second half of this list recalls roles you fondly remember from your “B.C.” era (Before Children). If so, you may want to consider (at least temporarily) reapportioning your pie!
One fun practice you can implement immediately is to take a moment and invoke a role you want to reclaim – then appreciate your mate from that part of yourself. Let’s say your inner Playmate wants some attention. You can embody that energy and (playfully!) declare to your mate: ”My Playmate has something to say: I so love going on adventures with you! Remember the time we…?” Then allow yourself to fully express your inner Playmate for a few minutes. Who knows? It might inspire you to create a play date together (no children allowed!)
How much time are you willing to invest in nurturing your one-on-one connection with your mate? 5%? 10%? 30%? As it turns out, it requires only about 3% (or five hours) of the 168 hours allotted to you each week, according to Relationship Researcher John Gottman.
Five hours can seem daunting at first, but the dividends are so worth it. You may even find your children encouraging you to have “special time” together when they feel the positive effect it produces. Date nights, joining a couple’s class or receiving relationship coaching are all great ways to reestablish quality time together.
| September 20, 2011 6:45 pm | to | November 22, 2011 9:00 pm |
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| October 5, 2011 6:45 pm | to | November 16, 2011 9:00 pm |
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